our sweet baby mae...

"imitation is the sincerest form 

of flattery."

-charles caleb colton

~@~

when maggie was growing up, 

i often said 

i would never be without 

a cavalier in my life.

however, 

as she grew older 

and i started to realize 

how hard it was going to be 

to lose her and not have her 

in my life, 

i often said 

i didn't think i could ever have 

another...

it would just be 

too

hard.

~@~

on friday, the day  

after maggie went to heaven, 

john and i talked 

through our grief.

john: i just don't know 

how people go out 

and get another dog 

after losing one. 

me: i know. 

i think if we got one now 

i would feel guilty...

like i was replacing maggie. 

john: i don't think that. 

i just don't think 

i could go through 

this again.

we agreed.

~@~

then, 

late saturday night 

as i lay in bed, 

the thought occurred to me...

maggie 

would not want us 

to be unhappy 

like this

she spent her whole, 

precious life 

making us happy!

reactively, 

i reached over 

and grabbed my phone 

from my nightstand. 

i laid my phone 

on my chest, 

paused, 

and took in a deep breath.

i held it 

and 

released it.

me: God, give me a sign 

if i'm supposed to do this.

picking up my phone, 

i pressed the home key,  

 touched the safari icon, 

and 

typed, 

"cavalier puppies for sale 

in kentucky."

i touched on the site 

that popped up first.

the interactive site asked 

if i were a buyer or a seller,  

the breed 

in which i was interested, 

and, finally,

 for my location.

~@~

at a glance, 

i noticed there were only 

a couple of pages of 

cavies in our area. 

i also noticed

most of the puppies 

were blenheim 

(tan and white). 

i knew i wanted 

either a mostly black tri-color 

(black, tan, and white)

or 

another black and tan

(with a little white) 

like maggie. 

as i scrolled down the page, 

i saw her,

"blaze"!

my eyes filled with tears.

me: should i do this, God?

i knew there would be 

no turning back!

i noticed her birthdate...

9/2.

maggie was an "11" 

baby too.

i touched her picture 

on my screen to enlarge it 

and 

read more about her.

she had the same marks 

as my darling maggie, 

and 

she was a "cuddler".

 ALL.the.signs.

were.there!

in my heart, 

she was already mine.

God  just reinforced 

what i already knew.

after getting 

meester berrong 

on board, 

i called the breeder,

and

we will pick up

our sweet baby mae~

formally known as 

"Princess Margaret Mae

of the Lane".

-in just eleven days.

love and God's blessings, 

dani xxx

so maggie...

as i lay in bed last night, 

i silently cried. 

i missed my baby,

my love... 

you know, 

the one i've often written about 

over the years- 

my precious maggiepie. 

from the second 

i took her  

from the breeder's arms 

until the second 

she took her last breath, 

she was love.

she was 

the epitome 

of joy. 

~@~

what i am about 

to share is very emotional 

and raw. 

i'm sharing because 

what happened on the day 

maggie 

went to heaven 

was so sweet- 

so perfectly perfect- 

so 

maggie. 

~@~ 

on thursday morning, 

john, mag, and i got 

out of bed. 

john took her outside 

while i prepared 

her breakfast. 

when she came inside, 

she ate her breakfast, 

and john gave 

her a cow ear chewy 

just like every morning. 

she brought it back to bed 

and chewed on it 

for a few minutes 

then stopped, 

which was not normal, 

but maggie was ill,

a totally 

new normal 

for us all.

~@~

since, she hadn't been 

feeling well, 

i had put off giving her 

a much needed bath.

so,  

the night prior 

i had asked john 

if he thought it would be okay 

to bathe her.

he said sure, 

it would probably 

make her feel better. 

she LOVED being clean!

in hopes of perking her up, 

i called for her 

to come into my bathroom. 

she did, 

and i gave her a bath.

after towel drying her, 

i opened the door. 

she tore out of the bathroom

 to the den

to find her daddo, 

who had gone 

to run errands. 

while maggie was 

in the other room

looking for john, 

i grabbed mossi, 

bathed,

and towel dried 

her as well. 

she, too, raced  

to join maggie. 

while they were running

through the house, 

i jumped in the shower 

to wash the dog off me. 

i was in the shower 

just long enough 

to shower. 

when i was finished, 

i towel dried,

threw on some clothes,

and

i slicked my hair back

in a ponytail. 

i opened the bathroom door 

to find the two, wet monkeys 

in the middle 

of my bed

-my freshly laundered bed-

staring up at me...

after cracking up 

at the sight, 

i took a picture 

and texted their daddo,

"i might should have 

bathed them-

then

washed the bed clothes;)"

i stuck my phone 

in my front pocket, and 

i told the monkeys 

to get out of my bed.  

i grabbed a couple of dry towels, 

and led them into the den. 

~@~

after situating the towels, 

i picked up a couple of throws 

and lay down on the couch 

to snuggle with my girls, 

which i always did.

mossi immediately 

got under the covers, 

and 

maggie got next to me.

me: do you feel better, maggo?

she looked up at me, 

and i kissed her cold, wet nose. 

when i did she got excited 

and jumped up on top of me. 

she started giving me kisses.

i blindly reached 

for my phone  

and videoed her. 

oh.my.God.

she.was.so.cute!

after getting a little footage, 

i placed my phone 

on the coffee table. 

as i moved to do so, 

maggie got really excited 

and started really kissing me.

~@~

then it happened-

it happened 

in an instant... 

she went limp, 

her pupils blew. 

my baby, my angel 

was still breathing, 

but she was gone...

i sat up; 

again, i grabbed my phone,

then called john. 

me (through tears): maggie collapsed! 

john: i'll be right there. 

i'm almost home.

me (to maggie): it'll be okay, baby.

mama's here, 

and daddo will be here 

in just a minute. 

i rocked her gently,

held her tightly, 

and 

i prayed boldly, 

"please, God, 

please, don't let her suffer!"

john came in and sat with us.

john (to maggie): it's okay, girl. 

we are here. 

you're a good girl...

you've been 

the best girl.

we cried.

john and i 

and continued 

to talk to her and love on her 

until long after 

she took her last breath. 

when the time came, 

john went out 

to his truck.

he returned 

with a small, 

maggie-sized casket. 

he'd had a friend make it 

for her. 

it was so simple- 

so beautiful...

it was 

so maggie.

~@~

me: do you want 

to hold her for a while? 

john nodded he did.

i took her to him.

me: i will go get her things.

he nodded okay.

 tears came again.

~@~

john had already 

brought me their favorite toy, 

rangaboom.

i went into my closet 

and pulled out our favorite toy, 

five little monkeys.

i picked up 

her pink chenille pillow 

to put under her.

then, 

i went to my hope chest 

and opened it. 

there it was...

the.blanket.

~the blanket 

i wrapped 

a new-born katherine in

to bring her home

from the hospital,

~the blanket 

i took to the hospital 

to keep mosses warm 

on the nights before he died, 

~the blanket 

i took with me 

to bring maggie home 

from the breeder 

on that cold, december day 

nearly ten years ago.

i placed her 

along with her things 

in her casket. 

i covered her up 

with the blanket.

and, 

finally, 

i took off the tee 

i was wearing, 

folded it, 

and placed it 

under her beautiful face.

later that afternoon 

after katherine arrived 

from work, 

we said our final 

goodbyes,

and, 

her daddo buried her 

in the flower garden 

next to the rock wall.

it was 

ALL 

so perfectly perfect- 

so maggie.

love and God's blessings,

dani xxx

an angel...

my baby girl 

went to heaven yesterday, 

and 

she took a great big piece 

of my heart with her. 

love and God's blessings, 

dani xxx

fixing it the only way i know how...

she looked 

right into my eyes.

fix it, mama.

i looked right back into hers.

i'm going to fix it, baby.

~@~

when we returned 

to the vet 

to pick up maggie, 

dr. nichols motioned

for us to come back 

to the examining room. 

once we were 

inside the room, dr. nichols

closed the door 

and turned off the lights. 

the only light in the room 

was coming from 

the light board, 

which was holding 

maggie's chest x-ray images. 

without delay,

 dr. nichols explained the image...

pointing out 

the important features: 

maggie's front leg, 

her ribcage, 

her heart, 

and her lungs. 

dr. nichols: ok, we have a couple 

of things going on here.

he pointed to maggie's heart. 

dr. nichols: a normal heart 

is about three ribs in diameter.

(he pointed to maggie's heart 

then directed us to her rib-cage,

which was protecting it.)

maggie's, as you can see, 

is 1, 2, 3, 4, 5 ribs wide; 

it is enlarged.

i took in a deep breath.

dr. nichols: that's not great, 

but we can live with it.

i exhaled.

dr. nichols: what i'm concerned about 

is this. this is her bronchial tube. 

(he traced a line

running along her spine 

from her neck to her lungs.) 

see how it runs smoothly 

then arches up and back down 

before it gets to her lungs?

i looked at john 

then back at dr. nichols.

we both nodded,

we saw it.

dr. nichols went on to explain 

there were tumors 

and inflammation 

around the base of maggie's heart,

which were compromising 

more than half 

of her breathing capacity 

causing her rapid breathing. 

dr. nichols: i have given her 

an anti-inflammatory. 

hopefully that will help... 

me (interrupting): is she in pain?

dr. nichols: no, she is not.  

she isn't suffering at all, 

and, hopefully, 

the anti inflammatory will help. 

we should know if it's going to 

by the weekend. 

~@~

shutting down, 

i didn't really want to hear 

anything else. 

i just wanted 

to get my girl  

and take her home.

dr. nichols: (aware i was fading) 

how about i go get her? 

i smiled and nodded. 

me: thank you.

when he brought her to us, 

she looked like my maggie... 

she was definitely feeling better.

i grabbed her up into 

my arms.

we exchanged kisses.

~@~

we brought her home. 

i fed her, 

and she ate!

afterwards, 

i made her comfortable 

in our bed. 

i lay down next to her 

and cuddled her.

she kissed me.

i told her how much 

i love her 

and her kisses. 

then she looked at me...

right in my eyes.

fix it, mama.

i kissed her nose,  

hugged her tightly, 

and began to sob...

i'm fixing it

the only way 

i know how, my little lovie.

love and God's blessings, 

dani xxx