a return to "beautiful"...

today's date is very bittersweet...  it was the day our gary left us. he went to heaven.


(gary and i)

sixteen years ago, today, i awoke early. i still remember the light coming into the bedroom from the den at gary's and linda's house on lake misty. i don't even have to try very hard to conjure up the scent of plumeria, which was the fragrance of the body lotion i'd applied the night before - nor imagine the way the soft yellow, cotton pajamas trimmed with pink gingham ribbon i was wearing felt on my body.

i awoke excited,

(the night before, linda, gary's wife/my beloved sister-in-law, and i had watched 20/20 where there was talk of a new miracle drug for certain types of cancer. as soon as the episode had ended, we, linda right behind me, climbed the stairs to the second floor of the house to tell gary about the drug. we were so confident this was going to be the "it" drug, gary's miracle! however, when we reached the top landing we found john watching tv and gary sound asleep in his hospital bed. john said he'd just fallen asleep.  i gave linda a hug and john a kiss on the forehead and headed off to bed. i knew the next day was going to be a big one... for, all john's and gary's brothers, sisters, nieces, nephews, and cousins were coming. the day was forecast to be the first warm, sunny, saturday of the spring. gary was looking forward to boating on the lake for the first time of the season.)

i was elated...  gary was going to have a wonderful day! linda and i had good news to share with him when he awoke, and there was strong feeling of GOD in the air! i walked into the den, and john looked over at me from the recliner he'd slept in the night prior. 
i grinned at him.   he told me gary had slept through the night (unusual given the amount of pain he'd been experiencing). i turned around and looked at his chest to see if he was still breathing.

he was...  i caught my breath.
~@~
although i thought linda was still in bed asleep, she was not. she came up the stairs and said she'd started the coffee. then she looked at me and commented she couldn't believe gary had slept so well (he'd not slept through the night in months) and she was really happy he had slept well given the big day he was going to have.
since gary was still asleep, i told linda i would drive into town and pick up the groceries we needed. (we'd made a list the night prior and had placed it on gary's night stand.)
as i walked over to pick up the piece of paper, gary started stirring. the chain of events which happened next happened quickly (yet, at the same time, in slow motion). i remember it all as though it were yesterday...  even after all these years. 
in hindsight, i suppose gary was experiencing a seizure of some sort (though no one ever said so), for, with clinched teeth and eyes tightly shut, he started violently flailing his body.
initially the three of us stood frozen-  panicked!
then, all of the sudden, gary opened his eyes. bugging them, he looked like he was riding on a very frightening roller coaster ride -holding on for dear life!
immediately, linda grabbed her phone to call hospice, john and i rushed to him, and we tried to settle him.
in tandem, we called his name and touched him.

finally,  there was calm.
i stood beside his bed and patted his shoulder, john rubbed his foot, and linda did-around... preparing for hospice to arrive. 
all of the sudden,  i recall time seemed to stand still. i looked up...
God, what am i supposed to do?
HE answered,  "don't just do something, sit there!"
obediently, i climbed into gary's hospital bed next to him and rubbed his head noticing a little of his hair had begun to regrow.
with the calm, came gary. he started mumbling, talking, and then, after gathering his thoughts, asked what had happened. i told him it was just a bad dream. john, not holding back, told him he'd scared the shit out of us!
LAUGHTER!
thank GOD there was laughter!
 in actuality, we were all still very scared, but, hope had returned. 

as time passed linda tended to gary's needs, john nervously chitchatted with gary,   and, i... 
i remained in the bed next to gary -just as God had instructed. 
~@~
then a blessing happened.  gary reached over and laid his hand atop mine.  he patted it gently.
"look, dani," he said to me. "look through the roof."
IT'S.SO.BEAUTIFUL!"
"do you see it?" he asked me.
there was silence.
the three of us turned our undivided attention to gary.

i asked, "what did you say, gary?"

he repeated, "look through the roof, isn't it beautiful?"
again... silence.

and with that he looked over at linda, he told her he loved her, and smiled...
gary shut his eyes and never opened them again.

at least not on this earth...
~@~

when he shut them here, i believe he continued to see the beautiful place he tried to share with me... that beauty-filled place free from pain, the place where his heavenly FATHER was waiting to welcome him home.
later that afternoon, gary took his last earthly breath and, as willie nelson's "stardust" played sweetly in the background, he took his first heavenly breath as he crossed the threshold of heaven's pearly gates.

~@~
i love God with all i am and thank Him for the blessing he bestowed upon us that saturday morning sixteen years ago today.
love and God's blessings, dani xxx

mosses monday: LII...

this past friday morning

i was driving through

eastgate's parking lot 

toward the stoplight-controlled exit. 

as i was doing so, 

i noticed a 1980's model, 

burgundy, cadillac fleetwood 

across from and facing me.

there was a small-framed,

white-haired gentleman

sitting behind the steering wheel

barely tall enough 

to see over the car's dashboard.

my heart stopped.

it totally skipped a beat...

or two.

my head knew it wasn't mosses.

however,

my heart,

which had started beating again,

 SO wished it were.

~@~

as i approached the exit, 

i looked up 

to see the street light was changing 

from yellow to red.

i looked across the through street 

to see the big, old car turning right.

"i'll never catch up to him,"

i thought to myself.

i sat there for what seemed an eternity.

finally, my light turned green.

my heart urged me to speed to catch 

up with the car, 

but, i knew i'd surely get a ticket...

as there is always a police officer 

sitting in his squad car

waiting to ticket speeders

on the other side 

the overpass,

which separated the two of us.

and, that was assuming 

he had not already 

turned off onto one of the side streets 

ahead of me.

~@~

when i reached the peak

of the overpass,

i spotted the car.

again, i fought the urge to speed

before quickly realizing

there was no need.

for, in no time at all,

i found myself right behind the gentleman.

i slowed my jeep to just under 15mph,

the rate at which he was traveling.

mosses!

i smiled as my heart danced a jig.

looking in my rear-view mirror 

and seeing no one behind me, 

i pulled over, stopped, 

took out my phone, 

and snapped a picture.

i don't know why...

i guess i just wanted to capture

the moment

and

the joy i was feeling inside my heart.

of course, it wasn't mosses driving the car, 

but, it felt like a gift from above 

all the same.

love and God's blessings,

dani xxx

ps you will find earlier entries in ascending order on my side bar entitled, "our love story".

a Christmas memory (mosses monday: VI) revisited...

i pulled my little, green datsun into the circular drive, which ran alongside mr. and mrs. moss' home, recognizing only a couple of the cars. i parked and reached for their Christmas gift, a book of poetry i had written for them.

"a pearl untouched...
a jewel of the sea.
a heart touched by many...
a jewel of me." (dani 1988 excerpt)

i opened my car door, got out, and made a mad dash toward their door. it was so cold that day, and the wind coming off the ohio river was brisk and cutting.
it didn't help i was wearing my pink corduroy walking shorts...
BRRR!

before i could even ring the bell, mr. moss opened the door.

"bless your heart, dani, come in here," he greeted me with a big, warm embrace.

"merry Christmas!" i exclaimed as i pulled away and began making my way into their den and over to their Christmas tree where i knelt to place my gift among the others.

after doing so, i stood and turned around to see mrs. moss arms wide open offering a hug.

"i'm so glad you could join us," she said in her gravelly sophisticated voice, "here, let george take your coat."

as soon as i removed my coat, mrs. moss took my cold hand into her warm, soft hand and began to introduce me to their family. of course, i already knew mrs. moss' sister, nellie, and mr. moss' sister, "buzz", from many, many sunday lunches; but it was so nice to finally put faces with the names of their niece and nephews, their spouses and children, respectively. i had heard so many wonderful things about these people. i was not disappointed! they were all so warm and welcoming.

"dani, do you like country ham?" mr. moss asked.

"i love ALL food!" i answered with a giggle and a big smile. i was smiling because i was happy. i was happy to have been included in the moss' holiday, family celebration. i was so thrilled and content to be there.

watching as mr. moss sliced the country ham, as mrs. moss carefully removed the cheesy grits from the oven, and as nellie spooned the turnip greens from a pot into a bowl,
i asked if i could help.

mrs. moss gave marlene (nellie's daughter-in-law) and me the task of filling the tea glasses with ice.

after the table was set,  we held hands in a circle, and mr. moss blessed the food.
while we dined we talked, laughed,  and enjoyed a delicious, authentic, kentucky meal.

after our bellies were filled, we all sat in the den listening to the wind blow outside, watching the fire roar in the fire place, and chatting. everyone, i suppose, was a little curious about me. so, i obliged them by answering their questions...

it was the first of many merry little Christmases i would be blessed  to spend with my mosses...
~@~ 

(to be continued...)
love and blessings, dani xx

ps you will find earlier entries in ascending order on my side bar entitled, "our love story":)

47 years - 47 things...

1. Are you a proud American? yes

2. Do you vote? yes

3. Do you own a gun? maybe

4. What is your favorite flavor? chocolate

5. Do you get nervous before doctor visits? no

6. What do you think of hot dogs? america

7. Favorite movie? terms of endearment

8. What do you prefer to drink in the morning? coffee

9. Do you do push ups? nah, but i can

10. What’s your favorite piece of jewelry? engagement ring

11. Favorite hobby? writing

12. Do you have A.D.D.? yes

13. What’s the one thing you dislike about yourself? health

14. What is your middle name? denise

15. Name three thoughts at this moment?

what am i going to do today?

i need to make mae

a grooming appointment.

i need another cup of coffee.

16. Name 4 drinks you drink regularly: coffee, tea, water, and milk

17. Current worry? i'm not really a worrier.

18. Current annoyance: humidity

19. Favorite place to be? home

20. How do you ring in the new year? with my boy

21. Where would you like to go? puerto aventuras

22. Name three people you would like to take with you:  john, theresa, and bobby

23. Softest thing in your house? mae

25. Do you like sleeping on satin sheets? no

24. What color shirt are you wearing right now? white  

26. Can you whistle? yes

29. What songs do you sing in the shower? whatever is stuck in my head.

27. What are your favorite colors? pink and green

 28. Would you be a pirate? argh ugh, no

 30. Favorite girl name? katherine

33. Last thing that made you laugh? mae

31. Favorite boy name? john

  32. What’s in your pocket right now? no pockets

  34. Best toy as a child? barbie

37. How many TV’s do you have? 5

35. Worst injury you have ever had? never had a bad injury

  36. Where would you love to live? if not the lane... the beach

38. Who is your loudest friend? amy  

39. How many dogs do you have? 2 

40. Does someone trust you? yes 

 41. What book are you reading at the moment? bible

 42. What’s your favorite candy? snickers

 43. What’s your favorite sports team? uk basketball

  44. Favorite month? december

45. Ever been in love? yes, ever since i met john.

46. Have a bucket list? no

47. What is number 1 on your bucket list?

 i don't have one, 

so i guess it would be to make one. 

love and God's blessings,

danixxx

seems like old times...

i have now, 

officially been a room mother

ever since katherine 

was in kindergarten. 

blessed with being able to be 

a stay-at-home-mom, 

i was often times 

the room mother. 

i can remember 

loading holiday lights, 

decorations, paper plates, 

matching napkins,  games, movies, 

candy, cookies, cupcakes, etc.

into a our big red wagon, 

filling our igloo on wheels 

full of ice and drinks, 

packing all that 

into our van 

and stopping for pizzas 

before heading 

to katherine's classroom 

to throw the best holiday party 

i could. 

it sounds like a lot of work, 

but, 

i loved every minute of it!

 ~@~

when katherine graduated 

from elementary school, 

i thought 

the days of being a room mom

were over for me. 

however, 

a few weeks ago, 

when katherine mentioned 

she didn't think 

she would have 

any parent volunteers 

for her 5th grade class'

fall party, 

i jumped at the opportunity 

to help her!

she was grateful, 

and i was excited.

~@~

these days, 

instead of having 

halloween and Christmas parties, 

schools opt 

for the more politically correct 

fall and winter soirees. 

so, instead of jack-o-lantern, 

witch, and black cat 

themed party supplies, 

i chose 

pumpkin, 

leaf, and scarecrow 

items.

the rest of the 

party planning and execution 

was like getting back 

on the proverbial bike... 

it was very familiar.

~@~

at the designated time, 

i arrived 

at katherine's room. 

her students gave me 

a very warm welcome. 

being on a bit of a time constraint,  

katherine and i immediately 

began passing out plates, 

napkins, pizza, cupcakes, 

cookies, drinks, and candy. 

22 of her 23 students, 

thanked me 

every time i came around 

to pass out something new...

EVERY TIME! 

the only child 

who didn't verbally 

thank me was autistic, 

but even he smiled 

and told me how much 

he liked what i brought 

to his class and to him.

EVERY ONE of those kids 

were gracious 

and 

mannerly...

EVERY ONE of them!

katherine's kids were 

a breath of fresh air:)

~@~

after eating, 

many of the kids 

came over to me 

and talked to me. 

they wanted to know 

about me, 

and they wanted me to know

about them.

they made me feel 

honored and privileged.

without even being asked, 

katherine will say she is blessed, 

and 

her first year of teaching 

has been a dream.

without even being asked, 

i will say her class has blessed me, 

and i look forward 

to getting to be their room mother 

again at Christmas.

it seems like old times.

love and God's blessings,

dani xxx

heaven smiles softly...

last year 

when we celebrated 

maggie's 9th birthday 

i never dreamed 

it would be the last one.

she loved every birthday,  

she loved every day,

she loved everything, 

she loved everyone. 

maggie loved, 

and 

maggie was loved!

~@~

love and God's blessings,

dani xxx

the human spirit...

when i shared my last post 

(about adding mae to our family)

to facebook, 

a dear friend responded, 

"We can't help ourselves,

Lol, it's the amazing human spirit : ) 

If we harden our heart to love, 

who will take care of little "maemae" 

💕Happiness

~Marlene Brown

~@~

do you know 
what the proverbial 
"human spirit"
is?

biblically, 
it is the breath of life 
God breathed 
into man 
at the time of creation, 
which gave us all 
God-like qualities 
such as: 
intelligence,
creativity,
the ability to emote,
and 
passion.

after the loss 
of my life-long neighbor, 
stella 
and 
her house going on the market,  
katherine's breakup 
with zack, 
the loss of our dear maggie, 
and 
remodel blunder 
after remodel blunder, 
i found myself- 
depleted
at God's feet 
asking Him 
to fill me back up, 
to revitalize me...
and 
for His Holy Spirit 
to help me 
make the right decisions, 
to help me 
know the right words,  
and 
to help me 
mend my broken heart. 

~@~

He wasted no time 
in answering my prayers. 
He reminded me 
john had retired 
and is with me, 
He gave me 
words of grace 
to share 
with katherine and zack, 
and 
He led me directly 
to mae.

this is how i know 
the apostle john was speaking 
words of truth 
when he said, 
"this is how we know
that we live in Him
and 
He in us:
He has given us 
of His Spirit."
(1 john 4:13)

where there is 
the blessed gift 
of 
the Holy Spirit, 
there is no place
for a hardened heart.
we need this soft, 
warm, loving, 
Spirit-filled heart 
to keep us passionate, 
to keep us calm, 
and 
to keep us rolling on...

i know this is truth! 

if you don't believe me, 
ask, seek, knock, 
and  
just see what happens next;) 

love and God's blessings, 
dani xxx

our sweet baby mae...

"imitation is the sincerest form 

of flattery."

-charles caleb colton

~@~

when maggie was growing up, 

i often said 

i would never be without 

a cavalier in my life.

however, 

as she grew older 

and i started to realize 

how hard it was going to be 

to lose her and not have her 

in my life, 

i often said 

i didn't think i could ever have 

another...

it would just be 

too

hard.

~@~

on friday, the day  

after maggie went to heaven, 

john and i talked 

through our grief.

john: i just don't know 

how people go out 

and get another dog 

after losing one. 

me: i know. 

i think if we got one now 

i would feel guilty...

like i was replacing maggie. 

john: i don't think that. 

i just don't think 

i could go through 

this again.

we agreed.

~@~

then, 

late saturday night 

as i lay in bed, 

the thought occurred to me...

maggie 

would not want us 

to be unhappy 

like this

she spent her whole, 

precious life 

making us happy!

reactively, 

i reached over 

and grabbed my phone 

from my nightstand. 

i laid my phone 

on my chest, 

paused, 

and took in a deep breath.

i held it 

and 

released it.

me: God, give me a sign 

if i'm supposed to do this.

picking up my phone, 

i pressed the home key,  

 touched the safari icon, 

and 

typed, 

"cavalier puppies for sale 

in kentucky."

i touched on the site 

that popped up first.

the interactive site asked 

if i were a buyer or a seller,  

the breed 

in which i was interested, 

and, finally,

 for my location.

~@~

at a glance, 

i noticed there were only 

a couple of pages of 

cavies in our area. 

i also noticed

most of the puppies 

were blenheim 

(tan and white). 

i knew i wanted 

either a mostly black tri-color 

(black, tan, and white)

or 

another black and tan

(with a little white) 

like maggie. 

as i scrolled down the page, 

i saw her,

"blaze"!

my eyes filled with tears.

me: should i do this, God?

i knew there would be 

no turning back!

i noticed her birthdate...

9/2.

maggie was an "11" 

baby too.

i touched her picture 

on my screen to enlarge it 

and 

read more about her.

she had the same marks 

as my darling maggie, 

and 

she was a "cuddler".

 ALL.the.signs.

were.there!

in my heart, 

she was already mine.

God  just reinforced 

what i already knew.

after getting 

meester berrong 

on board, 

i called the breeder,

and

we will pick up

our sweet baby mae~

formally known as 

"Princess Margaret Mae

of the Lane".

-in just eleven days.

love and God's blessings, 

dani xxx