mosses monday XXXV...

 all i could hear in my head were john's words "he was despondent". for the next 9 hours, all i could think was "God, mosses isn't ready yet... i'm not ready, yet..."

~@~

finally, i made my way to the lane. when i opened the door of the van john was there to greet me with a hug and a kiss; he grabbed our luggage and follow katherine and me into the house. once inside, he told me i needed to hurry to the hospital as it was almost the 6pm visiting hour for the intensive care patients.

i looked at him, "still no change?" i asked.

john shook his head, "no..."

quickly, i washed my face, brushed my teeth, slicked my hair back into a ponytail, and headed out to the hospital.
~@~

when the elevator doors opened i hurried around the corner and buzzed for the nurses to open the intensive care ward's doors so that i could go back and see mosses. the doors automatically opened, and i only took a few steps before a nurse greeted me.

"are you dani... here to see george moss???" she asked.

"yes, ma'am," i responded.

"i'm supposed to direct you to go into the family meeting room."

fearing the worst, i followed her.

she opened the door for me. i entered to find mosses' family, his icu physician, and his power of attorney there in the middle of a very serious conversation. everyone looked at me kind of oddly.
to this day, i don't know why i was directed into that room...
as i had no business being there.

nonetheless, there i stood as the doctor explainedmosses had about 48 hours left to live. he was suffering from congestive heart failure, pneumonia, and kidney failure. he proceeded to say  he believed it futile to do more to sustain life.

 mosses' power of attorney then spoke up saying she agreed with the doctor.
~@~

i suppose i went into immediate and total shock and disbelief, and my face must have expressed just what i was feeling.

"dani, is there something you want to say or ask?" mosses' power of attorney asked me.

i started crying and could hardly talk, but i said i didn't think mosses was ready to die, and i asked the doctor if "doing no more to sustain life" meant they were going to take him off the ventilator and discontinue his iv.

the doctor said he would be left on both... he would just do nothing more. he went on to say mosses' was in such grave condition the vent and fluids wouldn't be enough to sustain life once mosses' kidneys completely failed.
~@~

mr. moss' nephew shook his head and commented he'd watched his mother suffer while on life support and he just could not stand the thought of watching his uncle suffer any longer...
i felt selfish and guilty.

after excusing myself from the meeting room, i ran to mosses' icu cubical. i found him in his darkened room with a ventilator tied in his mouth (he was blistered ear-to-ear from having constantly been moving his face side-to-side fighting the vent), and his hands were tied to the sides of the bed. his eyes were open but were "fixed".

i laid my head gently on his chest and sobbed...
"please, GOD, please..."
~@~

(to be continued...)

love and God's blessings,
dani xxx

ps you will find earlier entries in ascending order on my side bar entitled, "our love story":)