Tuesday, December 31, 2013

a klassy lady, a friend...


as owner and operator of klassy kids,
a local, high-end, children's, clothing store,
diana whitmore was not only a blessing
to her family
and
to our community,
she was a personal blessing to me...
to my katherine.

~@~

she became my touchstone
months before katherine was even born.
from the moment i told diana
i was having a little girl
until the moment katherine "outgrew"
klassy kids,
diana was our personal buyer.
more importantly,
however,
she was our dear friend.

miss diana knew what i was going to love 
even before i did.
she knew if it wasn't soft...
extremely soft,
not to even bother.
she knew 
if it wasn't beautiful
or adorable, or precious
i wouldn't buy it.

first,
miss diana introduced me to
sophie dess and house of hatten,
both companies produced
sweet, little, hand-smocked 
dresses and gowns
with a lot of attention paid to detail.
house of hatten
also designed
hand-sewn applique, nursery
bedding and decor.
they were both favorites,
however,
katherine was a sophie dess girl...
so much so
miss diana asked katherine
to model sophie
each spring and  fall
for klassy kids.

each pre-season
when diana returned from market,
she was always so excited to tell
me about the things she'd ordered
with katherine in mind.
she was never so as excited 
as i was though.

for ten years
from sophie dess to sarah louise
to sweet potatoes 
to hartstrings...
when her shipments arrived,
diana called,
and i giddily hurried down to her
darling little shop on elm street.
in all those years
i can count on only one hand
the number of articles she chose
in which i was uninterested.
diana worked tirelessly
to do this 
(i'm sure)
for most of her customers.
she was the best
at what she did...

she was the best
at who she was!

~@~

in 1997
diana knew katherine and i
had had a particularly hard year.
our mamaw had died in august of that summer,
and katherine and i were so sad.
on the first day of december,
diana showed up at the coffee shop
with a smile, a hug,
and a gift for katherine.
katherine opened it to find a hair-bow
with her name sewn on it.
it was darling!
we thanked her
not knowing
it was only the first
of twelve days of miss diana's giving.

for, 
the next day
she came in with another gift
and so on
and so on
and so on...
on the tenth day
miss diana brought katherine
a pair of bobby-socks
with a maroon bows,
on the eleventh day...
another darling hair-bow,
a maroon and white one
with "hchs" painted on it,
and on the twelfth day
diana brought katherine 
a little-girl-sized
cheerleader uniform
that matched the high-school
cheerleaders'...

diana whitmore
was endlessly thoughtful.

that was who diana whitmore was.

i say was because
miss diana died on sunday morning.

please keep her family
and our community
in your thoughts and prayers.
she will be dearly missed.

love and God's blessings,
dani xxx

Friday, December 20, 2013

if the fates allow (a re-post)...

through the years,
we all will be together
if the fates allow...


Robert Callaway Soaper, III
(June 6, 1932 - December 6, 2013)

~@~

"someone's texting you, mom,"
katherine said to me
as i made my way 
through the kitchen
last night.
i picked up my phone to see
dawn had sent me a couple of messages.

after reading the first one,
i felt my heart start to break.

"bob soaper passed away."

~@~

i'd known bob's wife and son
most all of my life.
his wife, barbara, 
was my mom's beloved first-grade teacher,
and his son, bob-o, was my age.
he was a good friend;
he and i graduated together.

however,
it wasn't until
the spring of 1995
when i went to work
for the planter's coffee house
that i got to know bob.
instantly, i recognized
bob had a special way about him.
there was a twinkle in his eyes
and on his face...
a unique smile,
which begged to be reciprocated.

for nearly five years,
bob was not only the bright spot
of my mornings,
he was the bright spot of katherine's too.
most mornings,
katherine went out to greet her buddy
with a big ol' bear hug...
and
sometimes with a confection
she'd made just for him.
most mornings,
bob made his way from the coffee bar
back to the kitchen
to inquire about my daily special...
most mornings,
i offered him a taste.
most mornings,
he offered me advice
concerning my rue...
my pie crust.

i ALWAYS looked forward
to seeing bob
(clad in a crisp, white, button-down oxford
and khakis)
whether in the kitchen
or
perched at the bar,
drinking his coffee,
reading the newspaper...
and
sharing a story.

~@~

bob was family
to katherine and me...
so much so
we gave him and his family an open-invitation
to join us for our family's thanksgiving dinners
as most of their family lived out of town.
he even came and joined us for breakfast
at my grandmommie's apartment.

BOB.WAS.SPECIAL.

(i always giggled a little
when i thought of him...
bob was 
grumpy-old-man-wannabee
but
was really just an old softy.)

~@~

here we are as in olden days
happy golden days of yore...

 i hadn't seen bob
(for far too long)
when katherine and i ran into him
last Christmas at hunan's, a local, chinese restaurant.
bob came over to our table.
we were thrilled to see him!
katherine and i both jumped up
and gave him great big hugs.

what.an.unexpected.gift!

faithful friends who are dear to us
they gather near to us once more.

bob: come over here, dani.
 i need to tell you something.
me: (smiling) okay.

bob looked at katherine.

bob: (grinning) you stay here. 
this is between your mom and me.
katherine: (wondering) uh, okay...

(when she started working
at the library nearly four years ago,
katherine hadn't seen bob
in several years.
given bob was a regular at the library,
they picked up where they'd left off
and became big buddies once again.)

bob: dani, it's so good to see you.
me: you too, bob!
bob: (his eyes filled with tears) you have
a very special girl over there.
me: (my eyes filling with tears) thank you.
bob: no, i mean REALLY special, 
and you need to know it.
every time i go into the library,
if katherine is there,
she brightens my day.
that kid has it all, dani.
she has personality,
she's smart,
she's a hard worker,
she's beautiful,
and
that smile...
that smile just gets me
every time.
(a tear rolled down his cheek.)

me: (i winked at him) thank you, bob, 
we think she's a keeper.

bob: yes, she is! you just don't know...

have yourself a merry little Christmas

we hugged again and wished one another
merry Christmas.

me: i love you, bob.

~@~

but 'til then we'll have
to muddle through somehow.

that was the last time i saw bob.
earlier this year,
katherine came home and told me
bob was very ill and in the hospital.

katherine: can we send him some
flowers or something?
me: i will order flowers tomorrow.

several days later,
we received a sweet thank-you
from
mrs. soaper
saying bob had received the flowers...
they were waiting for him
at home when he returned
from the hospital.

~@~

hang a shining star upon the highest bough

today katherine and i are missing bob...
a.lot.
even though we haven't seen him,
he has been a part 
of our daily thoughts and prayers,
and we have been blessed with the hope
we would see him again.

bob's death dashed the hope
of seeing him again here,
on this earth.

however, there is a silver lining...
a.platinum.lining.actually.
we know
we can still look forward to seeing bob
again 
in heaven.

(we know he is there...
smoking a cuban,
drinking a cuppa joe,
jawing with st. peter.)

until then,
we will remember our loved one 
often.

 today.
i think i will go find a beautiful star
for katherine to place
atop her Christmas tree
(upon the highest bough)
in remembrance of our dear, dear friend,
bob soaper.

love and God's blessings,
dani xxx

Sunday, December 15, 2013

because i want you to know...



dear meester berrong,

this week has been a a very sad one here on the lane: your best friend lost his wife, and one of my dearest friends died leaving his wife behind... i pray nothing will happen to either one of us anytime soon but know we have no control over "if" or "when" in regards to our fates.  i am writing you this letter because i want you to know...  i love you.

but, there.is.more.

i was in love with you long before i met you. i was in love with the idea of you...  i prayed for a husband who would be my best friend, a husband i could love with all my heart, a husband who would love me with all his heart, a husband who would make me laugh, a husband who would comfort me when i was sad, and maybe most importantly a husband who would be a great dad... 

and, God.gave.me.you.

from the moment i first looked into your dark, brown eyes, i knew it was you.  from that moment on, i have only loved you. there have certainly been times i did not like you... and times you did not like me, however, there was never a time i took for granted your morning, good-bye kiss, nor the excitement i experienced every time i heard the sound of your truck pulling into the driveway after a long day at work or a weekend away.

never, not.one.time.

dear, you are my hero always.  you have always worked hard to provide for our family. you have always been faithful in spite of my insecurities. you have always been my cheerleader. you have always been my shoulder upon which to cry.

always, you.have.been.my.constant.

i am sharing this letter because i want anyone wondering to know you are a blessing, an answer to a prayer, my best friend, my love, my comedian, my solace, and our daughter's sweet-sweet dad.

really, you.are.ALL.that.to.me.

i'm writing you this letter because if i go first i want you to know...  if there is such a thing as loving a person too much, that is how much i love and have loved you. i do not want you to ever question that. and, i also want to reassure you, i will be waiting for you at the pearly gates to welcome you back home to me and...

He,who.allowed.us.to.be.

love and God's blessings,
dani xxx 

Thursday, December 12, 2013

i never thought...


as i stood at the counter
in our kitchen
pouring formula into a bottle
for katherine,
everything went black.

i never thought
i would see katherine grow up
much less
turn 21.

that was the first
of several strokes i experienced
over the years
following katherine's birth.

local doctors ran tests
blood work
cat scans
mri's
spinal taps.
they found nothing.

as katherine was growing,
i was diminishing.

~@~

when katherine turned two,
i took her in to dr. crick
for her 2-year-checkup.
after he gave her a thorough exam,
he looked at me.

dr. crick: and, how are you doing, dani.
me: (with tears forming in my eyes) dr. crick,
i have a number for vanderbilt clinic in my pocket.
if i give it to you, will you call
and get me an appointment with someone
who can help me?
dr. crick: (looking at me sympathetically) oh, honey,
what's wrong?

as i reached into into the pocket
of my skirt to pull out the post-it
 on which i'd written
vandy's number,
i began to explain.

dr. crick took the piece of paper from me
and assured me he would do what he could.
i could tell by the look on his face
he was very concerned.
he knew me.
he had known me for a long time.
he knew something was very wrong.
i knew something was very wrong,
and i was scared...

~@~

we had barely gotten in the door
at home when
my phone rang.
i put down katherine,
threw her diaper bag
over the back of the couch,
and
hurried to answer the phone.

me: hello?
dr. crick: hi, honey, it's dr. crick.
i called vanderbilt for you.
dr. howard kirshner will see you.
you only need to call his office
and schedule an appointment.
they are expecting your call.

dr. crick gave me the phone number,
and i jotted it down on the palm of my hand.

me: oh.my.goodness. thank you so much,
dr. crick. you are an angel!

~@~

when we arrived at the vanderbilt clinic,
i wasn't sure where we were supposed to go.
so, i stopped and looked
at an informational board
which had an alphabetized list
along with their suite numbers
of all the doctors at the clinic.

k's...
 kirshner,
howard...
"dean of the department of neurology"

dr. crick was an angel!
he hadn't gotten me in to see a doctor;
he had gotten me in to see 
THE.DOCTOR.

~@~

right away, i surmised dr. kirshner
was the real deal...
he asked questions
none of the other doctors asked.
within minutes,
he looked at me and grinned.
i am going to order several tests
to confirm it,
but
i think i know what the problem is.

i returned a grin,
but i was nervous.
he did say i had a problem.

furthermore,
dr. kirshner explained that there were
only 6 documented cases
in the united states
of the autoimmune disease
he thought i had...
and,
he was almost certain
i would test to be the seventh.

i became more nervous,
and my grin faded...

dr. kirshner: however, if it's what 
my initial diagnosis is,
we can control it
with medicine.

the release i felt
after hearing his last four words
was immeasurable!

~@~

dr. kirshner ran 
a series of blood tests
most of which i had never heard,
and he sent me for a scan.
john and i waited right there in x-ray
for my results
then took them back to his office
for a second consultation
before leaving for home.

dr. kirshner slid the panels into place.
he looked at them
then back at me...
then back at them.
then,
with his index finger
he drew an imaginary circle
on the image 
around a portion of my brain.

dr. kirshner: this is stroking, dani,
just as i expected.

~@~

strokes in my early twenties...
strokes!!?!?

~@~

several days later
when my blood test results
came in,
dr. kirshner called me.

dr. kirshner:  dani, this is howard kirshner
calling from the vanderbilt clinic.
the results
of your blood work
indicate i was correct
concerning my initial diagnosis.

he explained i had a blood clotting disease,
told me he was going
to start drug therapy
with coumadin (blood thinner).
he then proceeded to explain
ALL
the dangers of taking blood thinners.

i thought to myself...
stroking isn't going to kill me;
i'm going to surely bleed to death.

~@~

i never thought
i would see katherine grow up
much less
turn 21.

but, i have!
by the grace of God,
Dr. Larry Crick,
Dr. Howard Kirshner,
a very patient, loving husband,
and
coumadin,

I.HAVE!

i have experienced
the best of times
and
the worst of times;
but,
i have lived to experience them
and
ALL
the good things motherhood
has had to offer.

i will be eternally grateful
for being granted the opportunity
to be katherine's mom
for this many years
and only pray
there will be many more
to come.

love and God's blessings,
dani xxx

Monday, December 9, 2013

if the fates allow...

through the years,
we all will be together
if the fates allow...


Robert Callaway Soaper, III
(June 6, 1932 - December 6, 2013)

~@~

"someone's texting you, mom,"
katherine said to me
as i made my way 
through the kitchen
last night.
i picked up my phone to see
dawn had sent me a couple of messages.

after reading the first one,
i felt my heart start to break.

"bob soaper passed away."

~@~

i'd known bob's wife and son
most all of my life.
his wife, barbara, 
was my mom's beloved first-grade teacher,
and his son, bobo, was my age.
he was a good friend;
he and i graduated together.

however,
it wasn't until
the spring of 1995
when i went to work
for the planter's coffee house
that i got to know bob.
bob had a special way about him.
there was a twinkle in his eyes
and, on his face...
a unique smile
which begged to be reciprocated.

for nearly five years,
bob was not only the bright spot
of my mornings,
he was the bright spot of  my katherine's too.
most mornings,
katherine went out to greet her buddy
with a big ol' bear hug...
sometimes with a confection
she'd made just for him.
most mornings,
bob journeyed from the coffee bar
back to the kitchen
to inquire about my daily special...
most mornings,
i offered him a taste.
most mornings,
he offered me advice
concerning my rue...
my pie crust.

i ALWAYS looked forward
to seeing him
(always clad in a crisp, white, button-down oxford
and khakis)
whether in the kitchen
or
perched at the bar,
drinking his coffee,
reading the newspaper...
and
sharing his words of wisdom.

~@~

bob was family
to katherine and me...
so much so
we gave him and his family an open-invitation
to join us for our family's thanksgiving dinners.
(most of their family lived out of town.)
he even came and joined my family and me
for breakfast
at my grandmommie's.

BOB.WAS.SPECIAL.

(i always giggle a little
when i think of him...
bob was 
grumpy-old-man-wannabee,
but
i knew/know he was just an old softy.)

~@~

here we are as in olden days
happy golden days of yore...

 i hadn't seen bob
(for far too long)
when katherine and i ran into him
last Christmas at hunan's, a local, Chinese restaurant.
bob came over to our table.
we were thrilled to see him!
katherine and i both jumped up
and gave him great big hugs.

what.an.unexpected.gift!

faithful friends who are dear to us
they gather near to us once more.

bob: come over here, dani.
 i need to tell you something.
me: (smiling) okay.

bob looked at katherine.

bob: (grinning) you stay here. 
this is between your mom and me.
katherine: (wondering) uh, okay...

(when she started working
at the library nearly four years ago,
katherine hadn't seen bob
in several years.
given bob was a regular at the library,
they picked up where they'd left off
at the coffee shop
and became big buddies once again.)

bob: dani, it's so good to see you.
me: you too, bob!
bob: (his eyes filled with tears) you have
a very special girl over there.
me: (my eyes also filled with tears) thank you.
bob: no, i mean REALLY special, 
and you need to know it.
every time i go into the library,
if katherine is there,
she brightens my day.
that kid has it all, dani.
she has personality,
she's smart,
she's a hard worker,
she's beautiful,
and
that smile...
that smile just gets me
every time.
(a tear rolled down his cheek.)

me: (i winked at him) thank you, bob, 
we think she's a keeper!

bob: yes, she is! you just don't know...

have yourself a merry little Christmas

we hugged again and wished one another
a merry Christmas.

me: i love you, bob.

~@~

but 'til then we'll have
to muddle through somehow.

that was the last time i saw bob.
earlier this year,
katherine came home and told me
bob was very ill and in the hospital.

katherine: can we send him some
flowers or something?
me: i will order flowers tomorrow.

several days later,
we received a sweet thank-you
from
mrs. soaper
saying bob had received the flowers...
they were waiting for him
at home when he returned
from the hospital.

~@~

hang a shining star upon the highest bough

today katherine and i are missing bob...
a.lot.
even though we haven't seen him,
he has been a part 
of our daily thoughts and prayers.
we have been blessed with the hope
we would see him again.

bob's death dashed the hope
of seeing him again here
on this earth.

however, there is a silver lining
(a platinum lining, actually)
we can still look forward to seeing bob
again one day in heaven.

(i know he is there...
smoking a cuban,
drinking a cuppa joe,
jawing with st. peter.)

until then,
we will remember our loved one 
lovingly and often.

 today i think i will go find a beautiful star
for katherine to place
atop her Christmas tree
(upon the highest bough)
in remembrance of our dear, dear bob soaper.

love and God's blessings,
dani xxx

Friday, December 6, 2013

happy saint nicholas day!

when it was time for katherine to start kindergarten,
we sent her to a private, catholic school
for primary (k-3). 




when december rolled
around the following year,
katherine's teacher, mrs. young,
shared the legend of saint nicholas
with katherine's class.
that afternoon,
when katherine got in our van,
she informed me 
december 6th would be st. nicholas day.
  
she explained,
if she placed her shoes on the hearth
 the night before,
saint nicholas would come
and fill her shoes with goodies.
so, i did a little research
 and found 
st. nicholas was a man of great faith
who lived his life in order to glorify Christ.
saint nicholas loved children
and cared for the needy.
further,
 he brought the love and healing of Jesus to both.
st. nicholas was the epitome of selfless giving
always honoring God who had given the world
His Son,
Jesus Christ,
the greatest Gift of all.

i also found,
by celebrating this early advent holiday,
 it helped katherine to better understand
santa claus
by revealing the real man
who inspired the familiar
legend and traditions.

so, we started the tradition
that year.
 we  placed an old pair of her slippers
on the hearth each december 5th evening,
and each december 6th morning
we discovered
saint nicholas had arrived during the night,
replaced the old shoes
with new ones,
and
filled the new ones
with candy.

~@~

what a sweet tradition;
thank you, mrs. young!



jolly old saint nicholas
still comes to this day...

love and God's blessings,
dani xxx

Tuesday, December 3, 2013

the invitation...

last saturday
i decorated katherine's playhouse
for
CHRISTmas.
as i stood hanging the lights
on a rung near the top
of the ladder
john was holding for me,
he asked me
if i would like to
go to a Christmas dance
with him.

now.picture.his.view.

me: what kind of Christmas dance?

wait.for.it.

john: oh, my hog club
is having a Christmas party
over at the fop
in downtown evansville.

yes.he.did.invite.me.to.a.hog.dance.

picturing this:


i giggled...

well,
really i laughed out loud!

john: what?
me: (think medea) lort!

i quickly finished hanging the lights;
as i had to get off
the ladder before entertaining
any further dance talk.

~@~

later...

me: so, what does one wear
to a hog dance? 
john: i don't know.
it's probably more of a dinner.
i'd say it'll be pretty casual.
(he gave me a possum-eatin'-shit-grin)
you know, a leather vest
and chaps...
the usual.

i just looked at him
and shook my head...

a hog party,
really?

~@~

REALLY!

stay.tuned.

love and God's blessings,
dani xxx

Monday, December 2, 2013

mosses monday VI (revisited)...

(enjoy the music; it's my favorite carol:)

i pulled in the circular drive that ran alongside mr. and mrs. moss' home recognizing only a couple of the cars that were parked there. i parked my car and reached for their Christmas gift, a book of poetry i had written for them.

"a pearl untouched...
a jewel of the sea.
a heart touched by many...
a jewel of me."
(dani 1988 excerpt)

i opened my car door and made a mad dash toward their house. it was so cold that day, and the wind coming off the ohio river was brisk and cutting.
it didn't help that i was wearing my pink corduroy walking shorts...
BRRR!!!

before i could even ring the bell, mr. moss opened the door...

"bless your heart, dani, come in here," he greeted me with a big hug.

"merry Christmas!!!" i said as i walked toward the den to place my gift under their tree.

after doing so, i turned around to see mrs. moss arms wide open offering a hug.

"i'm so glad you could make it," she said in her gravelly sophisticated voice, "here, let george take your coat."

as soon as i removed my coat, mrs. moss began to introduce me to their extended family. of course, i already knew mrs. moss' sister, nellie, and mr. moss' sister, "buzz", from many, many sunday lunches; but it was so nice to finally put faces with the names of their niece and nephews, their spouses and children, respectively. i had heard so many wonderful things about these people. they were all so warm and welcoming.

"dani, do you like country ham?" mr. moss asked.

"i like everything!!!" i answered with a big smile.
i was smiling because i was happy.
i was so happy to have been included in the moss' holiday, family celebration.
i was so happy and content to be there.

i watched as mr. moss sliced the country ham, as mrs. moss carefully removed the cheesy grits from the oven, and as nellie spooned the turnip greens from a pot into a bowl.

i asked if i could help.

mrs. moss gave marlene (nellie's daughter-in-law) and me
the task of filling the tea glasses with ice.

the food was blessed: we broke bread.
while we dined we talked, laughed, and enjoyed a delicious kentucky meal.

after our bellies were filled, we all sat in the den listening to the wind blow outside, watching the fire in the fire place, and chatting. everyone was, i suppose, a little curious about me. so i obliged them by answering their questions of how my mother was doing, how college was going, etc...

it was the first of many merry little Christmases
i would be blessed to have the opportunity
to spend with my mosses...

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

(to be continued...)

love and blessings, dani xx

ps you will find earlier entries in ascending order on my side bar entitled, "our love story":)

Sunday, December 1, 2013

entertaining the idea...

me: what if we tear this one down
and build a new one?
john: (silence)

several hours later...

john: were you serious earlier?
me: maybe...
john: what would we build?

~@~

the lane is more a part of me
than i am of it.
it is who i am!
i mean, really,
who am i
 if not
#danibonthelane?

~@~

so, we've been entertaining
the idea
of tearing down our house
and building another.

at first,
it didn't seem economically wise.

however,
when we began thinking
about the updates
our house needs:
a new roof
new siding
new windows
a new garage
new flooring
fresh drywall
plaster repair
new cabinets
etc...

it began to look
more and more feasible,
especially when we realized
that
even after all the repairs
and updates,
we are still going to have
a house that isn't
exactly ideal
for the years to come.

~@~

theresa: i cannot see you
EVER tearing your house
down.
me: i think i could,
but it would be hard.
theresa: i just can't see you
actually doing it.
me: well, i think i could
if i were able to save parts
of it to put in a new one.
theresa: like what?
me: well, the hardwood floors for sure
and the double-dutch-doors.
theresa: i don't believe you could
do it when it came right 
down to it.

~@~

she.may.be.right.

~@~

however,
we are still
entertaining the idea;)


love and God's blessings,
dani xxx

Saturday, November 30, 2013

Thursday, November 28, 2013

so thankful...

when i woke up this morning,
it was still dark outside.
i looked at the clock,

6:16.

i smiled,

my favorite day of the year...

~@~



me: happy thanksgiving, my little dear.
john: oh, yeah...
me: i'm most thankful for you.
john: gah, you're silly.

it's true:
i am,
and
i am.

love and God's blessings,
dani xxx

Monday, November 25, 2013

mosses monday XLVIII



jumping ahead in my mosses love story,
i'm going to share something
very few know.

~@~

to put it mildly,
mosses' paid care at the end of his life
was lacking.
we knew because a nurse
at methodist hospital
brought it to our attention
and
another of his sitters,
a new sitter,
elaborated.

mosses' sweet niece, susie,
tried to address it,
but it fell on seemingly deaf ears.

i tried to address it,
but it fell on
ears
not appearing to want
to listen and deal
with his lack of care.

me: please, do something.
the person in charge: i don't know what to do;
i'm hearing two different stories.
me: you can believe me.
i am not an heir.
you know how much i love mosses...
he is my only motive!
the person in charge: (silence)
me: please, you have got
to do something!

~@~

i didn't know until
after mosses' passing
that i was a benefactor.
on a sunny afternoon in august
after he died,
the mailman delivered
a large, yellow, legal envelope
with a copy of mosses' will inside of it.

a lump developed in my throat.
i wasn't really shocked 
that mosses had been so kind to me...
he was always kind to me.

however,
the lump grew as i continued to read.
i remembered the silence
i had experienced
on the other end of the phone
when i had called
begging for
mosses' care to be addressed.

part of me was overflowing with gratefulness
 mosses had thought so much of me
as to have left me such a generous gift.
however,
the other part of me felt 
horrible.
mosses intended for me
to feel his love.
all i felt was
empty.

did "his person in charge"
choose to not listen to me
because she thought i knew
i was a benefactor
and
had some sort of motive?

i felt sick.

~@~

however,
today's story is about
thanksgiving.
no one on this earth will ever
truly understand the thankfulness
i experience everyday
when i think of mosses.
but i do indeed think of him

e.v.e.r.y.d.a.y.

with an overflowing, thankful
heart...

many times a day,
everyday, actually.

every time
i look into these eyes


you see,
i missed mosses so much,
i took part of the money he gave me
and bought her.

i have never regretted this decision;
she has been the embodiment of mosses'
love.
her love is unconditional,
transcending,
and 
constant.

~@~

i took the rest of my inheritance
and
gave most of it to a family who was hurting,
who was in need.

~@~

sometimes i feel guilty
that i didn't do what mosses 
might have had me do
with his gift,
and
then i look at maggie.
i know he knows how much i love her,
how much i need her,
and how much she loves me.

as tears flow down my face
i find myself smiling.
he knows
his gift couldn't have been appreciated
more.

(to be continued)

love and God's blessings,
dani xxx

ps you will find earlier entries in ascending order on my side par entitled, "our love story":)