i never thought...

as i stood at the counter

in our kitchen

pouring formula into a bottle

for katherine,

everything went black.

i never thought

i would see katherine grow up

much less

turn 21.

that was the first

of several strokes i experienced

over the years

following katherine's birth.

local doctors ran tests

blood work

cat scans

mri's

spinal taps.

they found nothing.

as katherine was growing,

i was diminishing.

~@~

when katherine turned two,

i took her in to dr. crick

for her 2-year-checkup.

after he gave her a thorough exam,

he looked at me.

dr. crick: and, how are you doing, dani.

me: (with tears forming in my eyes) dr. crick,

i have a number for vanderbilt clinic in my pocket.

if i give it to you, will you call

and get me an appointment with someone

who can help me?

dr. crick: (looking at me sympathetically) oh, honey,

what's wrong?

as i reached into into the pocket

of my skirt to pull out the post-it

 on which i'd written

vandy's number,

i began to explain.

dr. crick took the piece of paper from me

and assured me he would do what he could.

i could tell by the look on his face

he was very concerned.

he knew me.

he had known me for a long time.

he knew something was very wrong.

i knew something was very wrong,

and i was scared...

~@~

we had barely gotten in the door

at home when

my phone rang.

i put down katherine,

threw her diaper bag

over the back of the couch,

and

hurried to answer the phone.

me: hello?

dr. crick: hi, honey, it's dr. crick.

i called vanderbilt for you.

dr. howard kirshner will see you.

you only need to call his office

and schedule an appointment.

they are expecting your call.

dr. crick gave me the phone number,

and i jotted it down on the palm of my hand.

me: oh.my.goodness. thank you so much,

dr. crick. you are an angel!

~@~

when we arrived at the vanderbilt clinic,

i wasn't sure where we were supposed to go.

so, i stopped and looked

at an informational board

which had an alphabetized list

along with their suite numbers

of all the doctors at the clinic.

k's...

 kirshner,

howard...

"dean of the department of neurology"

dr. crick was an angel!

he hadn't gotten me in to see a doctor;

he had gotten me in to see 

THE.DOCTOR.

~@~

right away, i surmised dr. kirshner

was the real deal...

he asked questions

none of the other doctors asked.

within minutes,

he looked at me and grinned.

i am going to order several tests

to confirm it,

but

i think i know what the problem is.

i returned a grin,

but i was nervous.

he did say i had a problem.

furthermore,

dr. kirshner explained that there were

only 6 documented cases

in the united states

of the autoimmune disease

he thought i had...

and,

he was almost certain

i would test to be the seventh.

i became more nervous,

and my grin faded...

dr. kirshner: however, if it's what 

my initial diagnosis is,

we can control it

with medicine.

the release i felt

after hearing his last four words

was immeasurable!

~@~

dr. kirshner ran 

a series of blood tests

most of which i had never heard,

and he sent me for a scan.

john and i waited right there in x-ray

for my results

then took them back to his office

for a second consultation

before leaving for home.

dr. kirshner slid the panels into place.

he looked at them

then back at me...

then back at them.

then,

with his index finger

he drew an imaginary circle

on the image 

around a portion of my brain.

dr. kirshner: this is stroking, dani,

just as i expected.

~@~

strokes in my early twenties...

strokes!!?!?

~@~

several days later

when my blood test results

came in,

dr. kirshner called me.

dr. kirshner:  dani, this is howard kirshner

calling from the vanderbilt clinic.

the results

of your blood work

indicate i was correct

concerning my initial diagnosis.

he explained i had a blood clotting disease,

told me he was going

to start drug therapy

with coumadin (blood thinner).

he then proceeded to explain

ALL

the dangers of taking blood thinners.

i thought to myself...

stroking isn't going to kill me;

i'm going to surely bleed to death.

~@~

i never thought

i would see katherine grow up

much less

turn 21.

but, i have!

by the grace of God,

Dr. Larry Crick,

Dr. Howard Kirshner,

a very patient, loving husband,

and

coumadin,

I.HAVE!

i have experienced

the best of times

and

the worst of times;

but,

i have lived to experience them

and

ALL

the good things motherhood

has had to offer.

i will be eternally grateful

for being granted the opportunity

to be katherine's mom

for this many years

and only pray

there will be many more

to come.

love and God's blessings,

dani xxx