heaven smiles softly...

last year 

when we celebrated 

maggie's 9th birthday 

i never dreamed 

it would be the last one.

she loved every birthday,  

she loved every day,

she loved everything, 

she loved everyone. 

maggie loved, 

and 

maggie was loved!

~@~

love and God's blessings,

dani xxx

so maggie...

as i lay in bed last night, 

i silently cried. 

i missed my baby,

my love... 

you know, 

the one i've often written about 

over the years- 

my precious maggiepie. 

from the second 

i took her  

from the breeder's arms 

until the second 

she took her last breath, 

she was love.

she was 

the epitome 

of joy. 

~@~

what i am about 

to share is very emotional 

and raw. 

i'm sharing because 

what happened on the day 

maggie 

went to heaven 

was so sweet- 

so perfectly perfect- 

so 

maggie. 

~@~ 

on thursday morning, 

john, mag, and i got 

out of bed. 

john took her outside 

while i prepared 

her breakfast. 

when she came inside, 

she ate her breakfast, 

and john gave 

her a cow ear chewy 

just like every morning. 

she brought it back to bed 

and chewed on it 

for a few minutes 

then stopped, 

which was not normal, 

but maggie was ill,

a totally 

new normal 

for us all.

~@~

since, she hadn't been 

feeling well, 

i had put off giving her 

a much needed bath.

so,  

the night prior 

i had asked john 

if he thought it would be okay 

to bathe her.

he said sure, 

it would probably 

make her feel better. 

she LOVED being clean!

in hopes of perking her up, 

i called for her 

to come into my bathroom. 

she did, 

and i gave her a bath.

after towel drying her, 

i opened the door. 

she tore out of the bathroom

 to the den

to find her daddo, 

who had gone 

to run errands. 

while maggie was 

in the other room

looking for john, 

i grabbed mossi, 

bathed,

and towel dried 

her as well. 

she, too, raced  

to join maggie. 

while they were running

through the house, 

i jumped in the shower 

to wash the dog off me. 

i was in the shower 

just long enough 

to shower. 

when i was finished, 

i towel dried,

threw on some clothes,

and

i slicked my hair back

in a ponytail. 

i opened the bathroom door 

to find the two, wet monkeys 

in the middle 

of my bed

-my freshly laundered bed-

staring up at me...

after cracking up 

at the sight, 

i took a picture 

and texted their daddo,

"i might should have 

bathed them-

then

washed the bed clothes;)"

i stuck my phone 

in my front pocket, and 

i told the monkeys 

to get out of my bed.  

i grabbed a couple of dry towels, 

and led them into the den. 

~@~

after situating the towels, 

i picked up a couple of throws 

and lay down on the couch 

to snuggle with my girls, 

which i always did.

mossi immediately 

got under the covers, 

and 

maggie got next to me.

me: do you feel better, maggo?

she looked up at me, 

and i kissed her cold, wet nose. 

when i did she got excited 

and jumped up on top of me. 

she started giving me kisses.

i blindly reached 

for my phone  

and videoed her. 

oh.my.God.

she.was.so.cute!

after getting a little footage, 

i placed my phone 

on the coffee table. 

as i moved to do so, 

maggie got really excited 

and started really kissing me.

~@~

then it happened-

it happened 

in an instant... 

she went limp, 

her pupils blew. 

my baby, my angel 

was still breathing, 

but she was gone...

i sat up; 

again, i grabbed my phone,

then called john. 

me (through tears): maggie collapsed! 

john: i'll be right there. 

i'm almost home.

me (to maggie): it'll be okay, baby.

mama's here, 

and daddo will be here 

in just a minute. 

i rocked her gently,

held her tightly, 

and 

i prayed boldly, 

"please, God, 

please, don't let her suffer!"

john came in and sat with us.

john (to maggie): it's okay, girl. 

we are here. 

you're a good girl...

you've been 

the best girl.

we cried.

john and i 

and continued 

to talk to her and love on her 

until long after 

she took her last breath. 

when the time came, 

john went out 

to his truck.

he returned 

with a small, 

maggie-sized casket. 

he'd had a friend make it 

for her. 

it was so simple- 

so beautiful...

it was 

so maggie.

~@~

me: do you want 

to hold her for a while? 

john nodded he did.

i took her to him.

me: i will go get her things.

he nodded okay.

 tears came again.

~@~

john had already 

brought me their favorite toy, 

rangaboom.

i went into my closet 

and pulled out our favorite toy, 

five little monkeys.

i picked up 

her pink chenille pillow 

to put under her.

then, 

i went to my hope chest 

and opened it. 

there it was...

the.blanket.

~the blanket 

i wrapped 

a new-born katherine in

to bring her home

from the hospital,

~the blanket 

i took to the hospital 

to keep mosses warm 

on the nights before he died, 

~the blanket 

i took with me 

to bring maggie home 

from the breeder 

on that cold, december day 

nearly ten years ago.

i placed her 

along with her things 

in her casket. 

i covered her up 

with the blanket.

and, 

finally, 

i took off the tee 

i was wearing, 

folded it, 

and placed it 

under her beautiful face.

later that afternoon 

after katherine arrived 

from work, 

we said our final 

goodbyes,

and, 

her daddo buried her 

in the flower garden 

next to the rock wall.

it was 

ALL 

so perfectly perfect- 

so maggie.

love and God's blessings,

dani xxx

an angel...

my baby girl 

went to heaven yesterday, 

and 

she took a great big piece 

of my heart with her. 

love and God's blessings, 

dani xxx

fixing it the only way i know how...

she looked 

right into my eyes.

fix it, mama.

i looked right back into hers.

i'm going to fix it, baby.

~@~

when we returned 

to the vet 

to pick up maggie, 

dr. nichols motioned

for us to come back 

to the examining room. 

once we were 

inside the room, dr. nichols

closed the door 

and turned off the lights. 

the only light in the room 

was coming from 

the light board, 

which was holding 

maggie's chest x-ray images. 

without delay,

 dr. nichols explained the image...

pointing out 

the important features: 

maggie's front leg, 

her ribcage, 

her heart, 

and her lungs. 

dr. nichols: ok, we have a couple 

of things going on here.

he pointed to maggie's heart. 

dr. nichols: a normal heart 

is about three ribs in diameter.

(he pointed to maggie's heart 

then directed us to her rib-cage,

which was protecting it.)

maggie's, as you can see, 

is 1, 2, 3, 4, 5 ribs wide; 

it is enlarged.

i took in a deep breath.

dr. nichols: that's not great, 

but we can live with it.

i exhaled.

dr. nichols: what i'm concerned about 

is this. this is her bronchial tube. 

(he traced a line

running along her spine 

from her neck to her lungs.) 

see how it runs smoothly 

then arches up and back down 

before it gets to her lungs?

i looked at john 

then back at dr. nichols.

we both nodded,

we saw it.

dr. nichols went on to explain 

there were tumors 

and inflammation 

around the base of maggie's heart,

which were compromising 

more than half 

of her breathing capacity 

causing her rapid breathing. 

dr. nichols: i have given her 

an anti-inflammatory. 

hopefully that will help... 

me (interrupting): is she in pain?

dr. nichols: no, she is not.  

she isn't suffering at all, 

and, hopefully, 

the anti inflammatory will help. 

we should know if it's going to 

by the weekend. 

~@~

shutting down, 

i didn't really want to hear 

anything else. 

i just wanted 

to get my girl  

and take her home.

dr. nichols: (aware i was fading) 

how about i go get her? 

i smiled and nodded. 

me: thank you.

when he brought her to us, 

she looked like my maggie... 

she was definitely feeling better.

i grabbed her up into 

my arms.

we exchanged kisses.

~@~

we brought her home. 

i fed her, 

and she ate!

afterwards, 

i made her comfortable 

in our bed. 

i lay down next to her 

and cuddled her.

she kissed me.

i told her how much 

i love her 

and her kisses. 

then she looked at me...

right in my eyes.

fix it, mama.

i kissed her nose,  

hugged her tightly, 

and began to sob...

i'm fixing it

the only way 

i know how, my little lovie.

love and God's blessings, 

dani xxx

jack...

many of my long-time readers  know i grew up in my little,  white cottage here on the lane.  what you may not know is  my next-door neighbor, jack,  was my best friend...

in the summers...

i talked to him while he planted his garden.

he taught me how to shoot his bb-gun.

we watched sanford and son 
on the tv he had hooked up 
in his garage.

and, we talked politics
over mason ball jars filled 
with stella's iced, sweet tea.

in the winters...

i talked to him
 while he shaped his frasier fir 
and hooked up the outdoor lights (always red).

we watched the edge of night together 
every afternoon after school.

and, we talked politics

over potter cups filled 
with stella's delicious hot chocolate.

~@~

one can only imagine 
how brokenhearted i was 
when at 14 my parents divorced 
and sold our house on the lane.

i was brokenhearted to have to move

but even more so 
to have to leave my best buddy.

~@~

little did i know, though...

it would only prove 
to be a temporary separation...

for,
 a month before i turned 22,

john presented me my childhood home
 as a 1st anniversary gift!

he purchased my cottage on the lane
for us to fill with our family.

~@~

i was thrilled...

to be living, once again, 
in my sweet house,

to be sharing it 
with the one i loved 
with all my heart and soul,

to be living next-door 
to my jack and stella again, and

to be sharing john with them 
and them with john,

one can only imagine 
how over the moon 
i would be 
to share our baby, katherine,
with jack and stella

the following year at Christmas!

~@~

jack taught baby katherine
 to "spit tobacco".
he would spit, 
and she would mockingly 
proceed to do the same
(no tobacco, of course)... 

katherine's first word was "dack" (jack).
baby katherine would stand 
at the back french doors
and would squeal 
as she watched jack pull 
into his driveway after work, 

"dack, dack!"

~@~

in the summers, 
with baby katherine 
first in my arms 
then later
at my side, 

we played with jack's kittens.

we watched katherine grow.

and, we talked politics.

in the winters...

jack shoveled snow off our deck

(to repay john for mulching his leaves in the fall).

we talked to jack while he trimmed the tree...

then later as he unboxed his new artificial one.

we watched the young and the restless.

and, we talked politics.

~@~

then,
 in the late fall of 2004, 
jack became ill.

he told me the doctors were running tests.

in mid december jack had surgery.

right before Christmas that year,
he returned home.

~@~

i was very busy preparing for Christmas...

shopping, baking, decorating, wrapping gifts, and cleaning...

so busy i hadn't taken the time 
to go visit jack for a few weeks.

a blessing happened, 
it began to snow.

it snowed...

and snowed...

and snowed...

(for 30 hours it snowed.)

until we were completely snowed in 
on the lane.

the normal festivities of Christmas 
were just not going to happen.

all the tri-state roads, highways, 
airports, etc...

were closed!

no one would be coming, 
and no one would be going.

~@~

i didn't have to be busy anymore:)

~@~

so, i donned my jeans, turtleneck, 
sporto boots, and coat.

i slicked my hair back into a pony-tail,

waded through the thigh-high snow, 
which separated our houses,

and made my way over 
to check on my buddy.

to my delight,
i was greeted at the door 
by jack's and stella's daughter, jeda;

she was snowed in as well.

YAY!

i LOVE jeda!

(she was my choir teacher 
all through elementary and middle school.

then, when i became an adult, 
she grew to be my dear friend.)

that night while katherine and john sat  in our den watching a Christmas story together,
i sat with jack, stella, and jeda  reminiscing about old times,  laughing,  and enjoying all the Christmas confections  jeda had brought her mother and daddy. 
~the blessing~
it wasn't until after jack had fallen asleep  and stella had nodded off as well  that i realized just how great the blessing.
jeda confided in me that jack had cancer...

~@~

to this day,  i believe with all my heart  that that evening i enjoyed  with three of my dearest, life-long friends  was nothing short of a gift from God.

~@~

jack died the following summer.

~@~

i miss summers
and
winters of old on the lane.
i miss jack....


love and God's blessings,
dani xxx