Saturday, May 17, 2008

11 years...

(i look at this picture of her, and it makes me want to be able to hug her tightly and never let go!!!)

today would have been my mamaw's 80th birthday; i cannot even fathom that she has been gone for 11 years... sometimes it seems like it was just yesterday that i lost her and can hardly breathe... other times it seems like she's been gone forever, and i miss her like crazy... and then at times it seems like she was just a most wonderful dream God sent to me one night.

i know all grandmothers are special; my grandmommie meant the world to me as well!!!

but, there was this one time when i was 16 that i realized what i meant to my mamaw and what she meant to me. i was hospitalized; and i guess i had fallen asleep with my mom in the room. while i was sleeping my mamaw came in to my room to see me.

i remember awakening; but mom and mamaw didn't know i was awake. i overheard my mamaw, through tears, tell my mom that if something happened to me and i died, she wanted to die too. she didn't want to live in this world without me...

i pretended to be asleep as tears rolled out of the sides of my closed eyes. at the same time that my heart was breaking because she was afraid of losing me, it was also singing. i always knew my mamaw loved me... i even knew that she loved me to the moon and back (and the love was mutual). but, to hear her say that she literally loved me more than her own very precious life... there are no words that i could type right now that could even touch the kind of blessed i felt.

mamaw lived to see me graduate high school and college, me get married, me give birth to katherine, and katherine start pre-school... and then on a night in late august, 1997, she flew to heaven.

to this day i believe she made sure that God would show me the love He had for me to fill that huge void her leaving me left. and He did!!! He let me grieve and then He came and showered me with the same unconditional love i had known from her. i have been totally blessed since then and very at peace that she is in a good place with the One that can love her back the same way i did until i can be with her and Him.

*****i cannot leave on a total sad note, though. in celebrating the life she lived and her humor i must tell a quick story. katherine was about 18 months old. john and i were going to a wedding, and mamaw told me she could stay at her house while we went. when john and i got there to drop her off we were in such a hurry, i forgot to take in her diaper bag
(she was still wearing pampers).

when we returned 3 or 4 hours later katherine greeted me at her door with a t-shirt and a make-shift diaper. it dawned on me that i'd forgotten to leave her diaper bag, which was still sitting in the back of the van.

"oh, mamaw..." i started, "i am so sorry!!!"
my grandmother said, "that's ok, we made due. but i think she's wet again."

i ran out and got her diaper bag so that i could change her. when i came in i picked her up and took her to mamaw's bed and she lay down on her back. i pulled up her t-shirt and started laughing so hard i truly thought i was going to wet myself as well!!!

mamaw had taken one of her(mamaw's) pairs of panties, laid them flat under katherine's bottom, placed an adhesive maxi-pad a little higher than the crotch of the panties, pulled the crotch up between her legs, crossed the sides over, and pinned them with a big safety pin!!! now, if coming up with all that ain't love, i don't know what love is!!! funniest darn thing i've ever seen...*****

i just thank goodness katherine doesn't remember what she's missing; it would doubly break my heart...

love and God's blessings,
dani xxxxx


Amanda said...

What lovely memories. And beautifully wrtten. Your mamaw will be so happy to see how well you are doing now and to see how katherine has blossomed into a beautiful young lady. And all because of the upbringing she gave to your Mum and You. A truely wonderful woman. Katherine isn't missing out in having har mamaw, all the good things that she passed onto you , you are now passing onto your daughter.

And i love they way 'old people' can be so practical . A great example is with the nappy story.

Thanks for sharing your memories of your mamaw.
Love And Hugs,

Amanda xx

Amanda said...

Dani, i didn't mean that Katherine isn't missing out in having mamaw in her life. Not at all. I meant that all the good things that mamaw taught and gave to you, you are now passing onto Katherine. I read over my comment and didn't think it sounded the way in which i wanted to sound!

Love Amanda xx

kristen said...

I so dread the day I don't have my mum here. She is my best friend and I love having her close.

Tabitha said...

What a lovely post Dani, your mamaw very obviously meant the world to you and you to her!!!
I lost my grandma when I was pregnant with Lauren, she died in the October and Lauren was born in the November, and I was so sad that she didn't get to meet Lauren. I am sure she is somewhere close by laughing at all the mischief Lauren and Dan get up to and sending loving wishes on the summer breeze!!
Take care my friend, you are a truly special person,
love and hugs, Tabitha XX

dani said...

i think she is somewhere beaming over katherine as well!!! she called katherine her "little doodle-bug". the two got along famously.
you didn't have to explain, amanda;) i knew what you meant. and, i do try to pass her love onto katherine everyday.
i hope you've had a beautiful day:D

love and hugs,
dani xx

dani said...

i dread that day for you. may she live healthily to a ripe old age!!! losing your "rock". is so hard... my grandmother was only 69 when she passed. you know that's pretty young by today's standards.
do cherish every second with those you love; you will NEVER regret it:D
love and hugs,
dani xx

dani said...

thank you, tabitha:D she did mean the world, she does, and she always will!!!
i hate that you lost your grandma when you did... there's never a good time, but a month before your baby girl was born had to be extremely hard.
i do believe, however, that yours like mine is somewhere marveling over our children (when they're not just plain laughing at their antics, respectively).
back to you in the "special" department:D
love and hugs,
dani xx

Shannon said...

You truly have the biggest heart of anyone I know. I love the way you love people and how you share your feelings.
I feel truly blessed to have you in my (blogger) life.

dani said...

oh, shannon... you are soooooooo sweet!!! i just feel blessed that through blogging we have been able to stay in touch:D
love you,
dani xx

Robin said...

This is absolutely my favorite post of yours. You were so lucky to have been so close to your mamaw. I still miss mine so much even though she passed away when I was 8. I agree with what Shannon wrote. I love the way you share your feelings and how Christ comes through you so much in your words.


dani said...

it is probably my best post because she is the best part of me...
love you, dani xx

Purple Teacup said...

Sounds like she was VERY resourceful. A lovely post.

dani said...

she was the best, purple!!! the very best...